i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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