Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
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