i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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