The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
