dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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