Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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