my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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