Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
