He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize