At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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