I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
