Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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