Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize