I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
