I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
