Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
