Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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