eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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