i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
