Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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