im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
