He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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