Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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