I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
