The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize