i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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