I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
