am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
