Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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