Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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