He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize