I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
