so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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