The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
