it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
