You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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