saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
a search helicopter?!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
where are you?
Hypothermia
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
