Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
