just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
