I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize