we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize