alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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