I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
