Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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