I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize