census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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