so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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