So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
