just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
