I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
