Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
