Her vagina should come with caution tape.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize