After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Randomize
