turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I wish you could order shots online.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
