I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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