Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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