That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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