I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
