I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize