I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
