I can tuck mytits in my pants
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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