3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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