remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
The air taste purple.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
